Suz’s Ramblings…

When I pulled into my in-laws driveway this evening to pick up my dog, I saw that I’d missed my dad calling.  There was no voice mail, and for some random reason, I found myself thinking that he’d called to tell me his mom had died.  I shook the thought from my head.  I knew she had dementia, but her parents lived in to old, old age.  As in her mom died when I was in junior high and her mom’s brother is still alive.  I figured I’d pick up the dog and call my dad after I’d gotten home and cooled off a little – the thermometer in my car read 116F.

My dad called me back before I had the chance to call him.  He asked how things were going, and we talked about him and my step mom coming out here after the baby arrives.  His voice cracked when he told me that his mom died at 615 pm local time, marking the second time I’ve had the correct premonition about a phone call of this nature.

I’m pretty much a mess right now, and I’m struggling to keep it together.  When I cry, I start coughing.  Which is bad because the cough is bad enough that I was in the ER a week ago.  The meds that worked previously on the cough aren’t working right now, and I can’t take a round of prednisone because it fucks up my blood sugar due to me being pregnant.

A brief discussion of things that suck about this situation:

Calling friends or family is out.  I’d be nothing more than a blubbery mess.  See the above paragraph for why that won’t work.

At 33 weeks pregnant, I can’t go to her funeral.

My family is fucked up enough that I got the privilege of telling my brother.  My brother is not on speaking terms with my father and probably has no interest in attending the funeral.  Especially since he’d have to talk to my dad to find out about the arrangements.  I’m not really on speaking terms with my brother for that matter either.  Given the issue with the cough, maybe it’s a blessing that the only way I know for sure to get in touch with him is via e-mail.

I’m out of the loop on the funeral arrangements to make sure I don’t “do anything stupid and decide to show up”.  Yeah, I understand the concern.  But, I’m not 12 and I could have had a BMW for what we’ve paid to get to where we’re at on the Baby Quest.  I swear I’m not doing anything to jeopardize that.

I’ve been freaked out lately that my other grandmother was going to die before my son is born.  Apparently the universe thinks the ultimate in hilarity is to have the grandmother who I’m not worried about dying die. Not fucking funny.  Not even remotely or in the least.

I’ve got no clue how long it’s going to take me to make peace with my not having been able to get over/around the awkward feelings that I’ve had regarding trying to have a relationship with her again.  For those who don’t know, there was a rift in my family and I didn’t have anything to do with my dad’s side of the family for something like 15 years.  Keep in mind I’ll be 33 next month.  And I apparently learned nothing when my dad’s father died in March/April of 2005.

I had the chance to tell her myself on the phone about the baby and I didn’t.  Because of the dementia.  She didn’t seem lucid that conversation so I hesitated.  This one hurts a lot.

And the last one for now (since I’ve started crying): I find myself returning to the fact that all of these relationships are so fucked up because my parents couldn’t get the fuck over themselves and do what was best for my brother and I.  Blind anger, hatred, and rage are not healthy and do not accomplish anything.  Given how fucked up I still am, I’m trying to figure out why I’m arrogant enough to think I’ll do better by my son.

Thank God I’ve got the weekend to try and figure out some manner in which to keep myself pulled together.

So, I’m to the point where I have to vent somewhere about how bored,
unsatisfied, and disenchanted I am with my life, and this blog is
probably the most anonymous vehicle I have for doing so. Plenty of
whining and griping lay ahead, but at least it’s not pregnancy related
for a change.

Before anyone panics, I’m not unhappy in my marriage or at the
prospect of becoming a mom. It’s the rest of my life that could use
the overhaul.

My job is secure, well paying, and it’s the best lab job I’ve ever
had. However, there’s still something missing from it, and I’ve not
been able to identify that something. It’s a problem I’ve had with
every lab job, and I wish I could figure out what causes it. Too
mundane? Not really the type of work I enjoy? Something else entirely?
Yeah. I wish I could figure out my dissatisfaction so I could fix it.

Then there is my lack of nearby good/close/known-you-forever friends.
I have great friends whom I love a lot. I’d be lost without them.
However, none of them live anywhere near close enough to me to hang
out on the weekends or meet up for a cup of coffee and some chat time.
I’m sure it would help me more than I realize if my lame ass would do
a better job of picking up the effing phone to chat more often, but
seeing as to how being pregnant has made more holes in my memory, I
doubt that’s going happen. Plus it still doesn’t get me out of the
house and stuff. I do have a couple of friends in the area who I’ve
not seen in ages, and I’m trying to do something about that. Also
there a few people I’d like to get to know better as I’d like to think
we’d get along famously. However, I know from experience that when I
feel like I do right now I’m more likely to have people that could
have been friends not want to have anything to do with me.

Then there’s the not so little issue of my lack of house keeping
skills. The topic has been discussed here before. (I’d provide a link
if I wasn’t typing this out on my Crackberry while suffering from
insomnia) Anyway, my lack of house keeping skills means that I’m
ridiculously embarrassed by the notion of having anyone over for any
reason. And being pregnant actually has me wanting to do something
about it for once. The cruel irony is that I have no effing energy to
act on the impulse that I rarely ever have.

So yeah. I’m unhappy. After putting this into words, I’m beginning to
wonder if I’m depressed. Not like depression is a new thing around
here, but depression while pregnant is a new thing, and isn’t a good
thing. Which means I need to find something that I feel like I could
be in control of and see if fixing it helps. I’ll try to report back
next week.

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Sent from my mobile device

To determine if blogging by e-mail is, in fact, working again.

If this had been an actual post, there would be real content here.

–
Sent from my mobile device

For the few of you who don’t already know this, the second round of IVF that we did at the end of the year last year WORKED!

Holy crap, we’re gonna be parents!

I’ll be 11 weeks pregnant tomorrow with a due date of 9/2/2010.

Sorry about disappearing like that.  The hubby did a server upgrade, and it didn’t go so well.  Looks like he’s almost done with the recovery phase.

Hopefully I’ll have a real post in the next few days.

The husband got the official word today. He’s going to pass his class.
Which means he’s going to be a college graduate on Dec 15!

I’ve been losing weight lately courtesy of the Metformin. I hadn’t
realized just how much weight I’ve lost until I went clothing
shopping.

First stop was J.C. Penney. They had jeans on sale for 13.99 a pair. I
discovered that I can fit into loose jeans with a 36″ waist, and that
it won’t be long before I can steal back my boot cut jeans with the
36″ waist that were only supposed to be a short loan to the husband. I
decided to take pass through the women’s clothing after trying on the
jeans and I scored 3 long sleeve t-shirt type shirts for 7.88 each.
Usually we only find deals like that in the men’s dept.

Feeling pretty good about myself, I decided to press my luck and we
headed over to The Avenue. There I discovered that I can fit into size
16 slacks. People, I cannot even remember the last time I fit in size
16 pants! Sadly, I did have to pay full price for the pants, but the
$5 sweaters (limit 2) helped the pain of that purchase.

The last stop was Lane Bryant since everything was 40% off. As is my
usual luck with Lane Bryant, there wasn’t really anything that I was
interested in. But I did happen to find some pants that I liked on
clearance, though not the high quality $5 a pair clearance.

All in all, I have to say I’m really happy, and glad to have clothes
that fit more better again!

Ate the long post I was almost done with. As a result, this post is
going to be short, and I’ll redo the post.

In the meantime, I’d like to suggest that those of you who wish I
updated my blog more often should consider following me on Twitter.

While Twitter is way more fun when you use it on a cell phone, it
does still work pretty well through their web interface. All you have
to do is create an account at www.twitter.com and then follow me
(suziwon).

While you can stalk my twitter feed without registering, I still
recommend registering as it will filter out my replies to other people
to keep the confusion about what I’m going on about to a minimum.
Plus, if you follow me, I will follow you, and you never know, you
just might find that you like it. Not to mention that there’s also a
whole wide world of people far more entertaining than I am to follow
too!

Of the blogging via e-mail system.

If this works, I should be blogging more often!

So, the husband is FINALLY going to graduate in December.  However, as with most men of his age bracket, his penmenship is THE SUCK.  Which means that yours truly gets to address the announcement envelopes.

As one who is a throwback to times and traditions that have fallen by the wayside, I’ve already consulted etiquette guides on the proper way to address the envelopes.

Which includes spelling out all titles other than Mr. ,  Mrs. , and Ms.  You know, titles like Lieutenant Colonel.

One does not abbreviate things like avenue, place, nor street, and state names are spelled out as well.

We can use return address labels, but we don’t have any that aren’t cutesy (i.e. have Winnie the Pooh and friends on them).  So, I’ll be getting to do that too.

Oh yes, let’s not forget that the address information is to be written in cursive.

The more I read, the more my hand hurts, and I’ve not even gotten started yet…

Bleh.